


We'll Always Have... You Know

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Het, stupid doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 05:37:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1928604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inexplicably in love with Donna, the Doctor decides to re-live that honeymoon he had with Romana. It goes as well as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Always Have... You Know

The Doctor was in love with Donna. He had realised this in the shower while working off a particularly graphic dream about what she might look like with no clothes on. (All sort of... curvy and tempting. And a natural ginger, oh yes.) He spluttered water about the place and mentally restarted his count of 'days since being in love with a companion'. 

Maybe it was because she was so challenging. Some people might say 'difficult,' but those people hadn't succumbed to her charms, which were quite hard to miss when she ran or jumped or breathed quite deeply. He longed to rest his head against them as she stroked his hair, which was mildly oedipal but only by human standards.

He was in love with Donna Noble, and he already knew that repressing wasn't going to work this time.

Now all he had to do was get her into her knickers.

 

He pondered the seduction of Donna as he checked his email. Spam, spam, invite to join the Culture, spam, a chance to win an iPod (worth checking out just in case), request _not_ to join the Culture, feedback on his Angel/Spike fanfiction, demand for some library books he keep meaning to take back early, spam, spam, a man in Ghana who wanted to use his bank account to launder eighty million pounds (not falling for that one for a third time). 

Women liked flowers and chocolates and romantic dinners. The Doctor liked danger and excitement and meeting new people. Maybe they could have dinner surrounded by man-eating sharks? Was it sexist to call them man-eating? Was it speciesist? Having never been eaten by a shark (yet), the Doctor was uncertain. He needed advice on wooing. He hadn't wooed in... well, about three months, but Astrid had been quite eager and best not to think about her or he'd get upset.

He got out his mobile that wasn't really his and called Martha's other mobile. Why she'd had two mobiles was anyone's guess, but it had turned out useful, hadn't it?

"Martha?"

"Doctor? Why are you calling at 3am? Is it Sontarans again? Daleks? Those giant crab things?"

"Did I wake you?"

"No. I mean yes. Is it important?"

Best to come right out with it. "I'm in love with one of my companions."

"I'm engaged."

"Not you! Not that you're not gorgeous, if I were the sort to notice that sort of thing." He didn't want to upset her before he got the advice he so obviously needed.

"Thanks. Is it... are you in love with Donna?"

"Might be," said the Doctor, trying to sound casual.

"And you had to tell me that now?"

"How do I get her into... I mean, how do I make her fall in love with me? I hate unrequited love."

Martha said something quite rude and the Doctor was frankly shocked that she knew such words. Finally he said "Please?" because humans liked when you pretended you were polite.

"I don't think she's that into you. You're not her type. You're too tall and skinny."

"So she'll love me if I regenerate?"

Martha had seen pictures of some of the Doctor's other selves. "I wouldn't bet on it. Best to try and win her over to your current looks."

"How do I do that? How did you fall in love with me?"

The Doctor couldn't hear Martha glaring at the phone, but he had a good imagination.

"Lead her on with mixed signals while making her work as your servant for months at a time?"

"Do women like that?"

"I'm going now, Doctor. Good luck."

 

"Do you want to go on a... a date?"

Donna looked up from her crossword and stared at him across the kitchen table. "What?"

"A date. You know, two consenting adults talking about themselves in the hope of seducing each other."

"With who?"

"With me."

"You? A date with you?"

"Yeah." He hoped she wasn't about to slap him.

Donna considered (possibly she was considering a good slap). "Yeah, okay. But no funny business."

That had gone brilliantly! The Doctor grinned like a tall grinning idiot. 

"You're paying, though," she added.

 

Paris had been so romantic last time. The Doctor had fond if somewhat inaccurate memories of holding hands, giggling, eating foreign food and most importantly having sex. 

He'd sort of forgotten about the whole alien invasion thing.

"It was romantic last time I was here. Well, time before last. Several times before last."

"So what you're saying is, you brought your ex here?"

"Not just any old ex! _The_ ex. One of them. But it's not that many if you divide it up by nine hundred years. I'm practically a monk when you think of it in those terms."

Donna shifted her weight to get less uncomfortable. "Did you set this all up to get me into handcuffs? I'm not doing bondage with you."

"I didn't. Can you reach into my pocket?"

"We're in a cell! I'm not giving you a quick one in a cell!"

"No! I want you to get the sonic for me. I can't reach, for obvious reasons."

"Oh."

 

"That was a _bit_ romantic," he said, helping Donna climb out of the river.

"Oh yeah, blowing up a spaceship and almost drowning. That's every girl's dream, that is."

"Can we have sex now?" The Doctor had lost his miniscule patience and had decided to go with Jack's strategy. Jack got laid a _lot_ , so there had to be something to it.

"I'm not in the mood," said Donna, dripping. "I might never be in the mood ever again. Certainly not for you."

"I've got a fantastic cock," said the Doctor. "And you have a fantastic... you. They'd be brilliant together."

"I'd probably get impaled by an elbow."

"It's my metabolism! I've tried eating nothing but cake, it doesn't work!"

"I'm soaking, freezing, and I think there's a herring in my knickers."

"I could help you out of them."

"Shut it."

 

Later and dryer they sat in a nice cafe with no obvious alien influences. 

"Is it romantic yet?" asked the Doctor, pouring Donna another glass of wine.

"A tiny bit," said Donna. "This stuff's nice, is it expensive?"

"I think it's rude to ask that. It's fine, I've got shares in most of the internet."

"And yet you can only afford two suits?"

"Is this sexual tension bickering or the real sort?"

"I'm not sure," said Donna, knocking back a glass of insanely expensive wine. "You're growing on me. Like a fungus or a scab."

"A romantic fungus?"

"So what did you do in Paris with the ex?"

"She dressed as a schoolgirl and we stopped aliens destroying the human race."

"She wasn't actually a schoolgirl, though? Was she?"

"No! She was a hundred and fifty-three."

"Oh. Older woman, was she?"

"Younger. Had a lot of stamina."

"Was she a Martian as well?" 

"Time Lord, and let's not talk about it." This was no time for angst, this was time for getting Donna naked and horizontal. The Doctor drank some wine in the hope of gaining some sort of insight into humans via some sort of scientific process he was fairly sure didn't exist.

"Right," said Donna. "See, the thing is..."

"Yeah?" 

"What other romantic things did you do with this ex we're not talking about?"

The Doctor nibbled on a bit of croissant and thought for a moment. "Well," he said, "we went to Brighton once. I fell asleep and she broke our dog."

"She broke your dog? You had a dog with her?" 

The Doctor waved a hand, "She fixed it later. One time we went to Skaro and had to stop a war. Horrible place, I blew it up later on. Mostly we saved planets and ran up and down a lot of corridors."

"So I'm thinking," said Donna, "that this stuff is probably really romantic for Time Lords, but your lifestyle isn't really well-geared to seducing humans."

"Are you sure? Lots of my companions have been in love with me. Rose, Jack, Martha, I could go on but you might think I'm a harlot."

"And how many of them did you shag?"

"I don't keep count!" The Doctor tried to look like he meant it.

"So they fall in love with you but you never get your leg over, is that it? Have you got centuries of spunk in you and you're desperate to get it out of you and into someone else?"

"You could phrase it a bit better." Her foul mouth was one of her many appealing features, but he didn't want to tell her that in case she got less crude.

"I don't think you're in love with me."

"What? _What_? Of course I am!"

"I think you just want a shag."

"I think about you all the time!" It had been difficult to accept the love thing, so he wasn't having it taken from him so easily.

"Naked?"

"Well..."

"And you want me to dress up as a schoolgirl and do you in France, is that it?"

"I suppose... no! I'm properly in love with you! You make my hearts beat all funny."

"It's not that I'm not flattered, but you're an alien. I don't shag aliens."

"You've never tried!"

"If you drop the love thing I'll shag you. Just the once, just to see if I like it."

The Doctor was over-joyed. Finally he was going to get some! And he _was_ in love with her, damn it all. He'd prove that with loving sex. In fact, they would _make love_ which was more romantic and much more effort.

He'd show her, oh yes.

 

"That was a bit good," said Donna, yawning and stretching her lovely limbs.

"I'm still in love with you," said the Doctor. 

"Oh," said Donna. 

"Yeah." 

"I'm not in love with you though."

"Bugger."

"Don't even think about it, sunshine."

The Doctor frowned. "How can you not love me? Everyone loves me."

"I love you as a friend."

"Isn't that enough?" Humans were so confusing. "You did shag me. If you love me and you shagged me that means we're in love. At least it does for my species. We're not confusing like _certain_ species."

"But I don't want to marry you and have your alien babies."

"Been there, done that. It's nice but a lot of responisibility. You try saving a planet while changing a nappy. It's not easy, I can tell you. Did instill a fear of safety pins into the Cybermen, though."

"I'll have sex with you, though. I'll get my needs seen to and you won't be in unrequited shag anymore."

"Deal," said the Doctor, who was keen to take what he could get. He could seduce her over time while getting his end away in the meantime.

She'd see how much he loved her. He stared happily at the ceiling and tried to remember the coordinates for Argolis...


End file.
